Hi all. This may seem like an odd topic, but I’ve come to realize that ending relationships is very difficult and it might be nice to have a chat about how we’ve handled that. What went well, what did not- stuff like that. Hope this can be a cathartic, human, and empathetic space.
I just told a long time friend that I “would scrub them from my life”. That’s fine, right? I’m allowed to be that direct if I want!
Ouch! It is direct, but it is also very blunt. IMO, not everything needs to be said. A simple breakup should do, and you can silently “scrub” away afterwards.
A long time friend of mine cheated on his wife and now I am hearing that the other woman is accusing him of sexual assault so I just decided to end the friendship (barring some miraculous change of circumstances). Essentially I told him to lose my number which was tough to do because despite this recent situation, we were very close. But also I am still very angry that he did something this (a word I don’t use often) evil.
I was/am mad at him and I think it is okay that I expressed that.
I would do the same and I don’t think you’re in the wrong at all if what they have done doesn’t align with you or your values/ morals, ethics, etc.
In this situation, I would likely be as direct but in the past, I have been more of the ghosting variety. Not in terms of romantic relationships as I feel that the direct approach, while quite painful for all or some of the parties involved up front, is better in the longterm to help alleviate any possible hurt feelings (not perfect by any means).
When it comes to friends, if I have felt that I am putting more effort in, or we don’t align anymore, are on different paths, whatever the case, I have felt it best to quietly slip away into the night, melt away from their life. Going about it this way has been very beneficial for me, and while I understand that it won’t work for everyone, sometimes people just drift apart and othertime in this case, you have to be the one to do the final drifting if that makes sense.
Life is far too short and I’m getting far too old to waste time on those who don’t want to spend some of it with me in meaningful ways.
That is an inspiring point of view. I would love to be able to just go for it, yet I find myself sticking with uneven relationships once and again. I seem to not be able to just ignore someone who asks for help at this point in my life - no matter how unfair it is for me.
Anyways, thank you for this thread. It was nice to read you all.
I think it’s commendable you did this and followed through. I have difficulty ending any relationship, even toxic ones, because I have huge issues with abandonment and loneliness. My partner broke up with me in December and we reconciled and are still together, but I know deep down I’m not getting what I need out of our relationship. I don’t really have any friends, so when someone shows a slight interest in me, I latch on pretty hard. One of my barely-actually-friends/fuck buds is pretty dismissive of me, but I caught feelings as the kids say, so I can’t bring myself to drop him even if I feel the relationship isn’t entirely healthy.
If Im alowed to vent a bit, she was some girl I met online that lived in the literal next door Province/state as me
We were planning on meeting, had every type of conversation, every intention of meeting up and making it real
And then she cheated, on an online game of all things, I I didn’t even “break up” cause everyone ive known in the past told me to a previous relationship similar that “just date a girl you can see! Don’t keep up with these fake online relationships” which stunt, then i heard said friend’s crush lost her virginity for the helk of it (apparently it “annoyed” her to still have it) on the week he confessed to her over the phone. It feels evil to say but i consider that karma in a way
Anyways, me and this girl stuck together and i tried so hard to tolerate her mannerisms of ignoring my messages for weeks on end saying “she’s busy” but one day she cried to me over a bad valentine’s day and I consoled her, i consoled her even after she chose some random guy in Avakin over a person that stayed half a day away from her
But, she ignored my message one last time, and I let her go, still must be obsessed to write this all, but i wish somebody told me otherwise before I wasted the first year of my college course chasing a young homewrecker
If I may interject, I think of relationships or at least try to in the simplest terms, especially as I get older. I’m not the same 20 something I used to be, and while I still make mistakes, I like to think I’m not as naive or unrealistic anymore. When it comes to a relationship, romantic or otherwise, I think of them as long commitments. I go in, with the notion that I plan on having that person in my life forever, whatever that means, but I try to remind myself of the clause that of course that relationship/ person might not last that long in my life.
That rings true for friends, some family in my case, and my wife. I love the latter dearly and while I can’t imagine living without her, time moves on and our relationship isn’t infinite, at least in this life. The same way I look at games, (Is it fun? If not, why bother?), is the same way I view relationships. Is it worth keeping that person in my life or would I be better off without? You can think of that as more transcactional but I would rather not waste my time with someone or something that isn’t beneficial for me in some way and I would be kidding myself to think that I am going into any relationship with no wants and expectations.
Being a bit hypocritical on my part, I sometimes wander to old relationships I once had, and while I can gel in the memories for a bit, I like to think that all of it led me to right now, and good or bad, regretful or not, it is what it is and all I can do is move forward, try to enjoy the wonderful gift of life that I was given (doesn’t necessarily have to have a religious subtext behind it) and just be.
This isn’t all perfect mind you, and I still struggle with all of it, but that’s the beauty of it all.
So you never met her in person?
Ironically I met her friend once irl and we started to hit it off (but obviously its awkward since theyre both friends and it seems I’m jumping from one to the other)
But yes never did xD
I actually love your analogy of it, the same way a game like persona 5 i platinumed is now a game called Royal that I barely see the motivation or same passion to ever bother buying it again, like nostalgia its always fun to explore the good and bad and realise “dang its really been that long huh?”
Of course I cannot speak for marriage yet, but I assume love is the same way, even if it isn’t as stong anymore its the bond itself to something you once found insatiable to keep going on , through its worst and its best, it keeps making you feel something and that is more important than disassociation
When it comes to marriage, at least from my experience (coming up to 9 years now), it can be seen as contractual of course, but also as a deeper form of commitment, like you stated. It’s not as easy to cut and run if things get rough, which is both good and bad (especially in cases of abuse), but that is also a silver lining, as it forces you to stay in the moment. When I said my vows, I meant them in every sense of the paragraph I uttered and unless something absolutely terrible happens (death, abuse, etc), I’m not going anywhere and will be with her, hopefully for many more years to come. You can think of it like this, when I deployed years ago, I was often told that during a deployment, the days are long but the weeks are short. Working 12 hour days with 1 day off a week, you felt it, but what would happen, is after a while, you would stop and think, and be reminded that you’ve already been in this spot for a few months now. It blows your mind when it hits. I think of that line of thinking with my wife. Some days are rough and everyone is upset for various reasons, but most days are nice. All of this adds up to time, which seems to go by quicker and quicker, the older I get. Ultimately, it’s best to appreciate it all if you can and are lucid enough to do so.
I can’t say I never disassociate, but that is more a product of past trauma and ongoing mental health concerns, which I constantly have to dance with and keep in check at times. My baggage I guess.
I would say in your instance, whether you met them or not, you felt something, right? I won’t began to say I understand your situation, but what I can try to add at least is you can take this experience and use it for the better in future relationships/ experiences.
Well all things considered baggage is a heavy thing to bear in terms of how you were raised and your viewpoints. The 1 week 1 day analogy is extremely true too considering you complain so much you dont even see it pass you by
9 years is an incredible milestone to reach, and is truly something to consider as an in live platinum trophy, and shows that it is true that we evolve to appreciate smaller things as we realise that time wont let us enjoy the larger ones as effectively
I hope you come out the mental pit you spoke off though, to me i don’t see that as “baggage” rather character development you get to show off one day to grand kids or future hiers (cause thats how i see life’s chalenges, future lessons)
But thank you, I did learn alot about myself, my type and where I want to see myself in the next decade, without hear teaching me all that I genunely think i woulda just seen my first year as some dull and annoying entry point (a month does become shorter once you realise that a week can be blown through with ease)